Neddy's Palaver

How important must one be to be assassinated rather than murdered?
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Why is it that you “put your two cents in” and then receive only a “penny for your thoughts?”
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease was ham”cured” of?
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How is it that man walked on the moon long before the wheel was invented for luggage?
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Does the phrase “slept like a baby” mean one is awakened every two hours?
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If a deaf person is ordered into court, is the hearing still called a “hearing?”
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Why is one IN a movie, but ON television?
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Why is it that we aspire to ascend to the tops of tall buildings and mountains and then put money in binoculars to see the ground below where we just were?
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Why don’t you care that Jimmy cracks corn?
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Can a hearse drive in the carpool lane when hauling a corpse ?
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If the Professor of Gilligan’s Island was clever enough to create a radio out of a coconut, why was he not smart enough to fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy the dog stand erect while Pluto the dog remains on all fours?
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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do “The ABC Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why does a dog get angry when someone blows in his face, but sticks his head out the window when riding in a car?
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Inspired by a forwarded email from Martha. Do you ever wonder why you gave her your email address?

The “Incredible Magic Liquid Sponge” not only cleans your house spotless, it kills everything in your house that makes it dirty - including YOU!

Keep Those Email Warnings Coming – such as this one, sent to someone, somewhere:

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT I AM A HUGE FAN OF THE “INCREDIBLE MAGIC LIQUID SPONGE” CLEANER … HOWEVER, I HAVE A FRIEND WHOSE SON STUDIED ENGINEERING IN COLLEGE AND HE NOW WORKS FOR A HUGE EUROPEAN CONGLOMERATE THAT IS ALWAYS THE FIRST TO KNOW ABOUT RECALLED PRODUCTS LONG BEFORE THE NEWS IS RELEASED TO THE MARKETPLACE. WELL, MY FRIEND PHONED ME LAST NIGHT AND SAID THAT HER SON TOLD HER THAT I MUST STOP USING THOSE “INCREDIBLE MAGIC LIQUID SPONGES” AND THAT THEY ARE ALREADY BEING BANNED FROM EUROPEAN MARKETS BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN FORMALDEHYDE. YES, FORMALDEHYDE, THE VERY SAME CHEMICAL THAT IS USED TO PRESERVE DEAD PEOPLE. THE “INCREDIBLE MAGIC LIQUID SPONGE” CONTAINS NOT ONLY THAT TOXIN, BUT HAS ANOTHER DANGEROUS CHEMICAL ADDED TO THE FORMALDEHYDE — AGENT ORANGE. THIS CONCOCTION IS HIGHLY DANGEROUS TO HOUSE PLANTS, PETS, YOUNG CHILDREN AND CAN BE HARMFUL TO YOU, YOURSELF, SO STOP USING THESE LIQUID SPONGES IMMEDIATELY! THROW THEM AWAY AND DON’T BUY ANY MORE. ALREADY TWO YOUNG BOYS HAVE DIED — ONE DRANK THE LIQUID SPONGE AND THE OTHER BOY ATE IT. SOME OF THE “INCREDIBLE MAGIC LIQUID SPONGE” SPLASHED UPON A TODDLER WHILE HER MOTHER WAS WASHING DISHES AND ERODED THE CORNEAS OF THE BABY’S EYES. HUNDREDS OF BELOVED PETS HAVE MET THEIR DEATHS AFTER WALKING UPON FLOORS MOPPED WITH THESE LIQUID SPONGES. ONE YOUNG BOY WHO WAS HELPING HIS MOTHER ERASE CRAYON FROM WALLS, SUFFERED CHEMICAL BURNS TO HIS FACE WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO ERASE CRAYON ON HIS FACE AND CHIN WITH THAT SAME “INCREDIBLE MAGIC LIQUID SPONGE.”

AND … PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH PLANTS, PETS AND OR YOUNG CHILDREN. AND … (the part I love the best) IMMEDIATELY STOP CLEANING YOUR HOUSE BEFORE IT KILLS YOU!

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “who was that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

Received from the Internet without attribution, as the sender (Martha) cannot remember from whence it came.

The desk of the thoroughly modern Grandma Neddy. Yes, indeed, she can use two laptops at once, plus a couple of flash drives at the same time. Here’s another of those emails that Granny gets from her other Granny friends. This one is from Elaine VB.

Jesus and Satan Are Wired Too!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally power was restored, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said …

JESUS SAVES. And … YOU, of course, already knew that.

The image, Granny’s Laptops, was originally uploaded to the Internet by barneykin. It was posted here by Neddy of .

One of my kids asked the other day,”Hey Dad … what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?” I answered, “We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up. All the food was slow. We ate at a place called ‘home’”, I informed him. “Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.” By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured he could have understood:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to little league practice. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s Ford which he called it a “machine.”

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Received from the Internet without attribution, although it sounds like it was written by my husband, especially the part about newspaper delivery boys. Thanks Martha.

A first grade school teacher presented each of the twenty-five students in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

1. Don’t change horses ………….. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the …………………….. bug is close.

3. It’s darkest before ……………. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ……… termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ………….. how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that …………… looks dirty.

7. No news is…………………….impossible.

8 . A miss is as good as a …………… Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new …… math.

10. If you lie down with dogs ……. you’ll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust …………. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the …………….. pigs.

13. An idle mind is …………………….. the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s ………………pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ……………. gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is …………… not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ……………. the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ….. you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ………… Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ……… spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed —– get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ……… see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ……… get out of the way.

25. Better late than ……………………………. pregnant.

(Received From the Internet Without Attribution)

Maybe these tips work and maybe they don’t. They were received from the Internet without attribution, but perhaps they originated with the manufacturers of said products. I just don’t know. Thanks Martha!

It’s Mosquito Repelling Time!

• Bounce fabric softener sheets are the best thing ever used in Louisiana. Just wipe on and go. They work great for babies and make your skin baby-soft too.
• Bob, a vitamin salesman and occasional fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day April through October and hasn’t had a mosquito bite in 33 years. It has worked with every person he has convinced to try it. Vitamin B-1 is Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.
• If you eat bananas, the mosquitoes will love you. Apparently, there is something irresistible about the scent of banana oil as processed by the human body. Give up banana eating for the summer and the mosquitoes will no longer see you as “forbidden fruit.” An added benefit is that if you die from potassium deprivation, you will not feel any bites at all.
• One of the best insect repellents found by someone in the woods every day, Herman the hermit, is Vick’s Vaporub. This is particularly good if you are a loner, as it also repels people.
• Plant marigolds around the yard. The blossoms give off a powerful scent that “most” insects do not like. However, be aware that while you are planting the marigolds, your chances of being stung by visiting bees greatly increases. Bee stings are much more dangerous than mosquito stings.
• “Tough guy” Marines who spend a great deal of time “camping out” say that the very best mosquito repellant is Avon’s Skin-So-Soft bath oil mixed about half and half with alcohol. They did not specify which type of alcohol, but one can assume that they probably use Jack Daniels.
• One of the best natural insect repellants is made from the clear real vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It repels both mosquitoes and ticks, however you risk being eaten alive by hungry humans.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said,”and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained ten pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.” God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO’s.

(Received from the Internet Without Attribution)

The image, Supersize Me!, was originally uploaded to the Internet by barneykin. It was posted here by Neddy of .

All of Virginia is abuzz about the upcoming arrival of Queen Elizabeth II to Jamestown and points in between from there to Washington. It was 400 years ago this month that her royal relative, the first Queen Elizabeth, sent her British subjects to the Colony which was named “Virginia” in her honor for being a “Virgin Queen”. One has to wonder if at times the present Elizabeth doesn’t wish she had been a “Virgin Queen” too, considering the antics of her progeny these last few decades.

Some lucky Virginians are going to have the great privilege of coming face to face with the Queen, but few of them know what to say nor how to behave. “Give the Queen a Hand, but When It Comes to Bowing . . . ” don’t, advises WaPo, the local self-proclaimed authority for all things Virginian.

Virginia’s governor has inserted himself into the royal festivities by creating a new Web site illustrating how HE expects HIS subjects to behave when Her Royal Highness comes calling. First tip - she will be greatly insulted if you address her as “Her Royal Highness” , according to “Virginia’s Royal Welcome”. Furthermore, His Highness the Commonwealth’s Governor has created an entire page for Virginians to learn Queenly “Royal Etiquette.”

If you are a United States citizen you are not required to bow or curtsy to the Queen. Jolly good - as after all we fought a war over just that sort of silliness with the Queen’s Great-Great, George III, back in ‘76. For genuine Americans shaking hands is acceptable. If you are British or a citizen of one of the Commonwealth states, excepting Virginia, Kentucky, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania, you must bow or curtsy, depending upon whether you are a man or a woman. Be real careful about that last rule, as these days it is hard to tell one gender from another, and we don’t want anyone on Virginia soil to be suddenly banished to the Tower of London to lose his, her or its head. If you are an illegal immigrant - anything goes, as no one can lay a hand on you, Queens, Governors, Presidents notwithstanding.

Genealogists have to be especially cautious when talking with the Queen. Her Majesty absolutely does not want to hear that you too are descended from royalty. Even if you have the DNA evidence to back up your claim, keep your lips sealed, or you may be getting a non-tour of the Tower too, as no self-respecting Royal wants to be reminded of the scattering of the Royal seed amongst the hoi polloi.

After all these centuries of British settlement here in Virginia, it was not until the Queen’s own father, George VI, came to call in 1939, that the United States had ever been visited by a British monarch. Queen Elizabeth II is only the second Royal ruler to step upon this formerly British soil that is now the Commonwealth of Virginia. This will be Queen Elizabeth’s third visit to Virginia. It was during a presentation of Appalachian dance many years ago, that the then young Queen Elizabeth referred to it as “clogging”, which name has stuck ever since then. All Hail to the Queen.

Just as long as you do not take life too seriously.

1. Save the whales. Collect the entire set.

2. A day without sunshine is like … NIGHT.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 427% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares; try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, look out, because you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

25. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Received from the Internet without attribution. Thanks Martha!